You Guys!!!!!! I am Fully doing THINGS! I’m getting camera stuff together to shoot my scenes, scheduling rehearsals, meeting up with friends and growing my community of support, and getting better and better at speaking after my surgery! Things are happening! And I will be riding this momentum forward like my life depends on it. Because it does!
This week my website went live!!!! You know this b/c you’re reading this right now When I posted about my site going live, I was so excited! So excited I didn’t realize I had made a typo. Thankfully, a friend from HS caught it. I made the correction and proceeded to delete her comment. NOW, when I deleted the comment - and I’m being completely honest- I was upset and embarrassed. Then I sat with my feelings for a day. The next morning I couldn’t help, but feel gratitude. Gratitude because someone helped me. I do need A LOT of help with editing and Many other things. Always have. In school, I would read and consume everything I could. When I would put my thoughts down on paper, I would write the way I speak…. fast, passionate, honest, and desperately needing a period (breath).
Side bar One, How did I not realize that people want to look out for me and have my back? Two, Why didn’t I ask someone to help me? Three, how many of us are going through life not asking for help when we need it simply because we don’t know we need help? As the week has progressed I’ve tried to tap into all these questions. Which brings me to today with answers.
One, it’s incredible to know that people have your back, even when you don’t know that they are there. The past few weeks everyday another person has shown up in ways I didn’t think, or know, were available to me. When people show up, unexpectedly, Each time I am met with shock or fear or caution (this is all because I have lived in NYC for over a decade. Our Spidey Sense is always going off). When I stop to breath in the moment, I am met with gratitude, appreciation, openness, love, creation, Mother Freaking COMMUNITY! YAS! All the things I craved for my entire life! It is possible I have been blocking myself from all these things because I wanted to believe that no one else was in this thing with me. But I simply can not tell myself those lies anymore. Life is too full of beautiful support and love. As I write this I am crying because the love that is out there in this world is so (cover the kids eyes) fucking beautiful. I will not sleep on the love coming to me and that I put out in the world EVER again.
Two, as you’ve read in my previous blogs asking for help has been a long process and journey. However, each time I’ve asked for something I have eventually gotten the answers I needed. Many times there have been answers when questions haven’t been asked and I still benefit. If this has been so, my question now is How can I be available enough to answer questions for someone else, like my friend has done for me in now helping me editing my blog posts? Yesterday before my voice therapy session began I saw a past co-worker my doctor’s sitting room filling out paper work. I could see in him fear and uncertainty. Just as I was about to leave he told me had been pushing to get through for so long, his body was giving out. There was no more push in him. As I got up to head into my session I said “You’re in the right place. You won’t need to push much longer. You will be okay.” I scratched his back and squeezed his shoulder. Smiled. Then went into my session. Writing this now, it feels like I helped without him asking me for it. Am I totes off base with that? It doesn’t feel like it. It felt reassuring. Loving. Supportive.
Finally my third point, we all need help! Clearly, we all have our own shit. But no one is Superhuman and no one can do it all by themselves. Take a breath, long enough, to truly pinpoint what’s being felt. So often we make rash and emotional decisions because we Reacted instead of Responding. I’ve been guilty of this NUMEROUS times. I reacted by deleting her comment because I was embarrassed of by my lack of editing skills. Thank goodness I took a breath and responded to her supporting me. That’s what having someone's back is all about. Being another set of eyes to who you are and what you’re doing. This week I’m proud of how I asked, received, and responded to help. My breath knew what was right (for my friend in the lobby and with the loving encouragement of a friend to me) and I’m proud that I followed my breath. My breath even helped me out of a would be argument with my wife! #realtalk
From here on out my daily practice and routine will be Stop. Breathe and Listen. React with compassion and love. Respond and Repeat.